How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
