Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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