I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
time to smoke my breakfast
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
