Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
