Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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