You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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