Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
