Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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