New invention idea: vibrating tampons
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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