Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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