NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
