Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
