im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
