I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
