You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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