We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
worst night to have a conscience
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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