when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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