i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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