Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I forget how to act sober
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
