I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
