The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
