I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
