I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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