Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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