Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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