Non-Jews are for practice
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
she pinky promised me she was 18
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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