if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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