Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
