i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
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