it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
