I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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