Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
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