my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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