Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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