he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
