my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
