____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
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