my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
