Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
