Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
