oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I stole a fireplace last night.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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