wanna go halves on a baby?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
