Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
