it's too hot outside to masturbate.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
