He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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