rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
