if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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