It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
