He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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