I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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