i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
